Spiritual Journey
Are You Spending More Time Planning the Wedding Than the Marriage?
As Herb and I make plans to attend our dear friends’ daughter’s wedding, I am once again struck by the challenge that all couples face after the wedding is over–how do you make a marriage succeed over time?
Many couples work diligently for months to plan the “perfect” wedding. Every detail is addressed and decided upon. Contingency plans are devised, schedules are finalized, and preparations are thoroughly organized and arranged. There is even a rehearsal for the big day’s events. No component is left to chance; every possible circumstance is envisioned and accounted for.
But how many couples invest even a fraction of the time they spend in wedding planning on marriage planning? How many plan for the MARRIAGE at all? And yet, the morning after they say, “I Do”, they wake up as married couples and spend the next years of their lives trying to navigate their way to “happily ever after.” Sadly, many will never get there as nearly one-half of all marriages end in divorce.
And living together before marriage is no formula for success either. Several studies, including a new book by Mike and Harriet McManus, Living Together: Myths, Risks & Answers, indicate that around 67% of couples who live together before marriage eventually divorce, as compared with 45% of all marriages.
So what is the “magic formula” for a long and happy life together?
Well, I am of the opinion that making a marriage work starts L-O-N-G before the marriage and begins inside each of us. First we must become mature, loving, unselfish, forgiving, secure individuals with a clear understanding of our expectations, needs, likes, dislikes and requirements.
Read that again–MATURE, LOVING, UNSELFISH, FORGIVING, SECURE. Does that describe you, or the person with whom you are involved?
Do you CLEARLY understand your EXPECTATIONS, NEEDS, LIKES, DISLIKES, and REQUIREMENTS? Can you communicate them effectively, and honestly reconcile how well another person is suited to complement those prerequisites?
If you are not currently in a relationship, now is the perfect time to determine the traits and characteristics that are necessary in order for you to be happy being married. When you are not involved with someone, you can be more objective about your true assessment.
Taking a cue from the old “Ben Franklin approach”, be honest with yourself and develop two lists—one that inventories all the attributes, values and qualities that are a “must” for you–things you can’t live without. This can be anything from “is deeply spiritual” to “loves college football” to “faithful, kind, thoughtful and considerate”, to “has a positive outlook on life”. Bear in mind, this is YOUR list, so do some serious soul-searching here to compose a personal, meaningful, and descriptive analysis.
On the other list, put everything that you cannot live with, perhaps “jealousy”, “infidelity”, “controlling personality”, “doesn’t want kids/dogs”, or “negative thinker” etc. Take the time to really examine what has worked and what has NOT worked in your previous relationships, and WHY. Be sure to periodically refine and update these lists as new thoughts come to you. And be as comprehensive as possible—remember you are seeking to define the traits that you will have to live with, day in and day out, year after year after year!
And make sure that these are character traits, not superficial features. Keep in mind that looks change over time and are a lousy indicator of whether you will be compatible and happy together. People gain weight, lose hair, (grow hair where it didn’t grow before), and develop wrinkles. Accidents can cause disfigurement, illnesses rob of our healthy skin, and gravity forces everything to bend and sag. So be sure to define what you want to see INSIDE a person, not outside!
Then the next time you become involved with someone and start to feel yourself getting serious about them, pull out and review your lists. Use them to evaluate whether this person has more traits on the “can’t live without” list or the “can’t live with” list. And don’t be too eager to compromise—remember you made these lists after careful self-analysis and experience over time. Don’t be unreasonable, but don’t concede important points just because you want this to work out.
Realize that most of the problems that occur after marriage are caused by issues that were apparent beforehand; we just often choose to ignore those little “red flags” when they appear. The jealous husband was also the jealous boyfriend—you just chalked it up to the fact that he “cared” so much about you. And the “high maintenance” wife demonstrated those same “the world revolves around me” tendencies when you were dating. But back then; you just considered her “princess-like” qualities to be entertaining and endearing.
So, CHOOSE CAREFULLY! Don’t expect that your spouse will change to better suit you after you are married. Or that they will “grow up”, “become more secure”, “more faithful”, or “learn to compromise”. In fact, be realistic and accept that their minor annoyances may become major thorns in your side as time goes on. Maya Angelou has a very wise saying, “People tell you who they are, believe them—the first time.”
The bottom-line BEFORE you marry is to first work on yourself to ensure that you are ready to assume the responsibilities of marriage. That you can make and accept decisions which are in the best interests of your new family, rather than just yourself. That you are sufficiently mature enough to forgive, are able to leave the past in the past, and can effectively communicate without anger, when a problem arises. And that you are a confident, secure, well-adjusted individual who is truly prepared to share their life with someone else, but doesn’t NEED a relationship in order to feel valuable.
Then make a wise choice of mate by really getting to know one another beforehand. Spend plenty of time together in various situations including stressful and challenging ones. Be clear about your (and their), expectations of marriage and of one another. Discuss finances, children, religion, career goals, family traditions, and household responsibilities. Look for any areas of incompatibility—I PROMISE they will come up again! Attend couples counseling and/or engaged encounter weekends to gain a more objective view of your relationship. And most of all, BE HONEST with one another, be yourselves, and don’t try to “put your best foot forward” just to make a good impression. You can’t keep up a pretense for your entire life!
But what about AFTER the “I Do’s”? Is it too late to reconcile your compatibility requirements with your reality? Not at all! The same principles apply—you need to be, or develop into, MATURE, LOVING, UNSELFISH, FORGIVING, SECURE individuals. And you have an even greater incentive than before—now your MARRIAGE is at stake! But have faith—you CAN find your way together, especially if you are willing to adopt some tried and true biblical principles.
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” ~ Galatians 5:22
If you adopt these attributes, you will be well on your way to formulating a strategy for a successful marriage. Take them one at a time and think about how you can both use them to improve your marriage and even your lives.
Be LOVING toward one another; remembering what attracted you to one another at the beginning of
your relationship. Love each other as God loves you–be willing to forgive and don’t be judgmental.
Practice loving, forgiving and being less critical towards others in your life as well, being mindful that we
ALL make mistakes.
Embrace the JOYFUL side of life; have gratitude for all that is good around you. Recognize your
blessings, even amidst the hardships and frustrations that are an inevitable part of life.
Choose a PEACEFUL existence. Make decisions that simplify your lives and allow you to experience
more peace in your daily walk with God and with one another. Choose friends and activities that
enhance your peace, rather than rob you of it. Live within your means, so that you can eliminate
concerns about money.
Be PATIENT with one another, remembering that you are each on your own separate spiritual journeys,
even as you walk this path together. You will discover enlightenment at a different pace, but you can help
each other to learn and to grow.
Treat one another with KINDNESS; speak lovingly and respectfully to each other using a calm, caring,
considerate tone of voice. Let your love be evident to one another and to others by the manner in
which you speak to each other.
Let GOODNESS dictate your decisions so that you are virtuous, honorable and defined by integrity in all
aspects of your life. Your professional, as well as your personal life, should reflect an honest, noble and
ethical value system.
Be FAITHFUL and true in your commitment to God and to one another. Do not allow work, hobbies,
outside interests or the allure of others to sabotage the covenant you have made together. Honor your
vows by staying devoted to one another and to your marriage. Give one another your time and your
talents, putting your marriage before the demands and temptations of this world.
Approach disagreements and difficulties with a GENTLE, compassionate, understanding spirit. Be
sympathetic to one another’s problems and challenges, and considerate of one another’s needs.
Cooperate with each other and be willing to compromise for the sake of your marriage.
Exercise SELF-CONTROL when you are angry, frustrated, disappointed, hurt, or tempted. Put yourself in
the other person’s place and try to imagine the impact of your words and actions. Take care to choose
what you say, how you say it; and what you do, very carefully. Don’t elect to “win the battle” and in the
process, “lose the war”. Weigh your words and actions carefully; they WILL have an effect on your
spouse and your marriage. Make positive choices rather than negative ones—err on the side of love,
forgiveness and commitment to your marriage.
You may have realized as you were reading, that adopting these attributes requires a mature perspective and viewpoint. It calls for putting aside your selfish inclinations and committing yourself to a cause greater than yourself. It involves thinking about someone else and how your actions affect them. It means that you must learn to communicate more constructively, taking care to temper your emotions so that your message is delivered and received in a positive and beneficial manner.
Incorporating these qualities into your marriage and your daily life will not be easy, and it will take LOTS of practice! I find that I need God’s help on a regular basis to consistently put me back on track. But a commitment to these values will enhance and enrich your union and even the quality of your daily existence.
So before you say, “I Do”, and especially afterwards, spend time on “planning” your marriage. Make the choice together to embrace the essential qualities of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.
Use them as a guide to keep you on the right path when you stumble and fall. And let them be a litmus test to illuminate the source of any problems that arise. Most every difficulty can be traced back to a deficiency or weakness in one of these areas.
By adopting these characteristics and making them part of your “marriage plan”, you will have chosen a sturdy framework, a pattern of behavior that will enhance your relationship, help you to pinpoint the cause of your difficulties, and support you on your journey towards an enduring, successful, and happy marriage.
“Life is short, and you love your wife, so enjoy being with her. This is what you are supposed to do as you struggle through life on this earth.” ~Ecclesiastes 9:9
Seek God First
Little Choices
“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” ~ Unknown
The art of crafting your life begins with each (often seemingly insignificant), choice you make all throughout every day. Choosing to eat a healthy breakfast rather than the doughnut you really want. Giving up your seat to the pregnant woman on the train. Taking time out of your busy morning to speak to the receptionist about her sick dog. Using your assistant’s mistake as an opportunity to teach rather than reprimand. Playing catch with your child even though you feel the pressure of a project not finished. Making an extra meal for a sick neighbor. Tucking the children into bed on time so that you and your spouse have some time for just the two of you.
Each of these choices taken alone may not seem noteworthy. But the truth is that each one may be more important than you realize and may actually offer an opportunity to change someone’s life.
Recently, I joined the 10-day Giving Challenge issued by Bob Lotich who authors a website on finance called ChristianPF.com. This challenge is simply to seek opportunities to give of your time, your talent, your energy and/or your money to someone in need every day for 10 days. It is amazing how different your perspective becomes when you are actively seeking chances to bless someone else. Not only does your attitude improve, but you are also setting in motion a powerful chain of events where the ripple effect goes far beyond what you may ever know. It is not always easy to take the focus off our own lives and see, really see, the needs around us. Yet many of these needs are things that we have the power to impact with very little effort.
You may feel that you are just one solitary person, but many solitary individuals have made significant contributions and have even changed the course of history with one, or a series of seemingly small choices: Moses, David, Noah, Martin Luther, Rosa Parks, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Clara Barton, Nelson Mandela, Helen Keller, Thomas Edison, and on and on and on…
The key to positively directing your choices is to maintain an open, active and dynamic connection with our Creator. I know when I am not doing that. It becomes evident in my discontent, my impatience, my frustration, my confusion and the lack of peace in my life. When I am connected to God, talking to him throughout the day (which is my definition of praying “without ceasing”), and feeling his presence walking with me; then I have a sense of peace even in the midst of chaos. I am able to keep my anger, my fear, my impatience and my frustration with life’s challenges, in check. I have a much clearer understanding of my options and a better perspective on which direction I should take. I can trust the “voice” that guides me and don’t get so sidetracked with multiple messages that can otherwise bombard my mind.
“For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will fill you with joy. Wise choices will watch over you. Understanding will keep you safe.” ~ Proverbs 2:10-11
In order to maintain that strong, active connection, I utilize several tools to help me. I like to start my day with devotional readings including scripture. I take time for confession, to pray for others, to thank God for my blessings and to lift up my own needs so that I can release my concerns about them. I created a file on my desktop that is my prayer list and I regularly update and refer to it. I am very moved by music, so I keep my radio station on “The Fish” and fill my mind, my heart and my spirit with uplifting messages—with songs that inspire and motivate me to keep God at the center of my life, songs of praise, and songs asking for divine wisdom and direction. I remind myself to talk to God regularly throughout the day, telling him how I am feeling, asking for his help with any and everything, and thanking him for even the smallest of blessings—the light changing to green, the short lines at the check-out, finding something I was seeking, even the fact that the sun is shining or the rain is falling. I joined a ChristCare group at my church for study and communion with others in a small group setting. I became a Stephen Minister to serve others. I try to not only open and close my day with God, but to acknowledge his presence throughout the whole day.
On the days that I successfully make these “little” choices, I find that I am closer to God, am better able to renew my faith daily, and am strengthened to handle the struggles that are an inevitable part of life. Conversely, I can really feel it when I don’t incorporate these choices into my day! I have discovered that they are a big part of bringing more peace into my world and allowing me to share that peace with those around me.
Another “little” thing you can do is to make sure that you are telling the people in your life, family and friends, that you love them, every chance you get. Simply saying “I love you” before you hang up the phone, or signing your emails with a statement about how much you care, can provide an unexpected boost to someone’s day. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it will become. A genuine expression of love and care for another person has a very healing and powerful effect.
And how many of you stop to say a prayer before you have a meal? I started praying before my meals, even in public, many years ago and it is amazing the impact that one act has on those around me. I may just quietly and discreetly bow my head, or if the situation seems to warrant it, I may ask if others at the table would like to join me. Again, if I am actively connected to God, then I am able to trust my instincts on how to proceed. I am not praying to draw attention to myself; rather I am truly grateful for the sustenance of food when so many in the world are going hungry at that very moment. It is a humbling gesture and a simple way to acknowledge one of life’s most important blessings.
We often put lots of thought, prayer and research into the big choices in our lives, but seem to make the little ones automatically, without much thought at all. Yet the cumulative effect of all those “little” choices can have a big impact on our lives, our health, and our relationships with others.
So start paying attention to the “little” things you do every day. Give them a greater measure of your attention by realizing the power of ALL your choices, not just the big ones. Rectify a mistake as soon as you realize you have made it. Take a walk. Say you are sorry sooner. Call your parents more often. Hug your kids every time you can. Compliment your spouse regularly. Choose broiled over fried. Help around the house more. Offer to do something for someone without expecting anything in return. Find a new avenue to volunteer your time and talents. Join a small group at church. Select a new devotion you like and read it and a Bible verse every day. Talk to God in the car. Choose to respond rather than react. Get a sitter and take your spouse on a date or away for a weekend alone.
As you change your focus and start giving more weight to all your daily choices– even the little ones, you will start to see how your life intersects, and is divinely connected to, the lives of those around you. You will begin noticing new opportunities to bless others and you will feel the joy that only comes from pure love and compassion. As you switch from running your life on “automatic” to purposely directing and guiding your choices, you will see powerful changes taking place all around you. And who knows, the primary life you enhance may just turn out to be your own.
“You can make this choice by loving the Lord your God, obeying him and committing yourself firmly to him. This is the key to your life…” ~ Deuteronomy 30:20
Deborah J. Thompson is a writer, artist and Stephen Minister. Her articles are published by Crosswalk.com and “The Fish” family of Christian radio station websites around the country. She shares “Reflections” on Life and Marriage on her website, www.inspiredreflections.info. And she is working on her first book, Your Life, Your Choice, which gives 5 simple steps for bringing more Love, Joy and Peace into your life. Join her on Facebook and Twitter/InspireReflect.